SEX ADDICTS

Sex

Are You A Sex Addict

Cool question, and one that I know little about. Before we get into it, remember that all orientations are self-defined and each person subjectively finds the orientation they feel most comfortable identifying with. Some are more commonly known, like heterosexual, homosexual or bisexual. Other orientations are more specific and help individuals who didn’t feel like those previous three terms encompassed who they were and their attraction. Some examples of more unique orientations people have chosen for themselves include pansexual, omnisexual, queer, asexual, and objectum sexual. Those with a keen eye and a foundation in orientation and gender theory also know that many of these terms have gray areas shared with the concepts of sexual identity and gender identity.

I had a student this past semester that said she wasn’t a lipstick lesbian but defined her orientation as a chapstick lesbian. I must be getting old because I hadn’t heard of that one. I can barely keep up with the changing terms and believe me, there are a lot more self-defined orientations out there. A tetrasexual is a person who has attraction to males, females, transsexuals, and animals. I’ve never read or located any research on this orientation, but there is plenty of research on males, females, transsexuals, and animal sexual contact individually. What I can say is this orientation is rare and something a person would likely keep private and hidden for fear of ridicule or judgment. A good rule of thumb to have with sexuality is, if you can imagine it, then someone has likely done it. 

Do Sex Addicts Exist?
Everyone and their mother is chiming in on this topic, so it might as well be my turn. Lets break it up into two questions. First off, I don’t believe in the sex addiction (SA) model. It’s not an official diagnosis in the DSM IV (manual used for diagnosing mental discovers), and I disagree with certain aspects of its theory and treatment. Although there are some theoretical aspects surrounding SA theory that seem plausible and applicable (impulse control, guilt and shame, impact of previous trauma or sexual history, brain chemistry, and neuropsychology, etc), those components are also found in sexual compulsivity models and out of control sexual behavior theory. The difference is SA has an overall sex-negative view, an over-pathological perspective of sexual behaviors, and some questionable treatment techniques.

Many used sexual addiction inventories can “diagnose” a sex addict based on what they deem as sexually inappropriate or sexually unpopular behaviors. You may have seen them online or even taken an inventory yourself. It may have shockingly placed you in a category of being a sex addict or having traits of a sex addict based on your answers on topics such as engaging in fetishism, kink, BDSM, pornography use, masturbation, extramarital affairs, social-media sexting, non-monogamy, and being sexually expressive. I read a 2003 SIECUS report on SA by Dr. Marty Klein, and he discusses a popular 25-question inventory called the Sexual Addiction Screening Test. It was developed in the 1980s and is still a tool used for weeding out sex addicts from rest of the population. Or does the screening test make the population fit into the sex addiction model? Consider these questions from this test:

Question 1
“Do you regularly purchase porn or romance novels?” Well, that covers most sexually expressive men and women.  Poor romance novels are even getting pathologized. I see it as relatively harmless erotic literature and a great tool for arousal and fantasy exploration. And is a monthlyPlayboy subscription enough to give a person a yes on this question?

Question 2
“Are you preoccupied with sexual or romantic thoughts?” Pretty much since puberty. Isn’t that what most men and women experience? And what does "preoccupied" mean? Does "preoccupied" mean I can’t get out of bed or function at work, or does "preoccupied" just refer to the state when I wonder what would it be like to sleep with the attractive women I meet? Having been a teenager and college-aged male, this pretty much encompasses most of the horny-teen and young-adult age group.

Question 3
“Do you have multiple romantic involvements?” This basically screws the non-monogamous folks who have causal sexual relationships, swingers, polyamorous folks, and most outside the married/monogamy box. Also, does multiple involvements mean at the same time or more than one romantic involvement within the same day, week, month, etc? Because, honestly, if at the end of a long week of work some guy is fortunate enough to have two women join him for a Saturday-night threesome, in my opinion, that doesn’t qualify as a behavioral symptom for sex addicts. It means he has one hell of a night ahead of him.

Question 4
“Do you use sex or romantic fantasies for escape?” Of course! Who wouldn’t want to use sex or romance as a way to get away from that horrible boss, work deadlines, or give people a break from all the responsibilities of life. To play devil's advocate, there are definitely times when people act out sexually in unhealthy ways to cope with stress and difficulties, but the question is so vague and broad that each person is likely interpreting something different.



Question 5

“Do you regularly participate in S&M?” Again, what’s regular participation? And is S&M so horrible that it’s a contributing behavior to sexual addiction? S&M is a consensual act between adults for sensation play and pleasure. Just because some like having their hair pulled, being spanked or spanking, being tied up, or engaging in some edgier kink doesn’t mean anything pathological about their sex play as long as it’s safe, sane and consensual.

 

"Many sex-addition treatment programs focus on exploiting peoples fear of sex and their difficulty controlling their sexual impulses."

If you answered yes to these questions, you’re not alone. But "yes" answers don’t necessarily mean you have a problem (in my view). There is much more to explore. For those of you thinking this is just one test and there are better inventories, what I’ve found is you can change the words and put different wrapping paper on the gift, but it’s still the same message. Many sex-addition treatment programs focus on exploiting people’s fear of sex and their difficulty controlling their sexual impulses. Treatment aspects can range from encouraging sexual or masturbatory abstinence, suppressing sexual desire and behavior, feeling powerlessness against their sexual desires, and facilitating victimizing. Addiction treatment for substance use is the model and inspiration for sex addition treatment, but can we really apply the same treatment modalities to something like sex, which is a basic need and desire for humans? I understand abstinence from use is important for many people in substance recovery, but can we use similar models for sexual expression? I wonder what’s next in the evolution of addiction models: love addiction, food addiction, Internet addiction, and heaven forbid, Facebook addiction? Welcome to the addicts club. We take cash, check, credit card, and Paypal.
I’ll never forget the first client (no names, as it's still confidential) who was a graduate of sexual-addiction treatment. This person suppressed any sexual involvement, didn’t date and refused to masturbate. He followed his sex-addiction program perfectly and was one of the most guilt-ridden and unhappy persons to ever walk into my office. Never have I felt more empathy for a client than the pain described when he masturbated and broke his masturbatory abstinence. Ten  months later, he terminated treatment as a happy, regularly masturbating guy (2-3 times per week) who was able to manage his sexual guilt and was dating a woman. He had all the answers inside of him and just needed a safe place to recreate his sexual identity and expression. There are other ways besides traditional sex-addiction treatment.

As biased as I’m being, it’s to demonstrate something. We need to question the hot-topic treatments of today because tomorrow we may look back and wonder what we were thinking. To be fair, some sex-addiction models and treatment techniques work for some people. Some people respond to 12-step sexaholics-anonymous treatment or sex-addiction therapy. Other sex-addiction programs modify their models to add or remove certain questionable techniques to improve their treatment. But what about the masses of people sex-addiction treatment doesn’t work for? My point is there are other avenues to take should one decide their sexual expression is problematic and addiction treatment isn’t their cup of tea. The sexual-compulsivity model, which uses a sex-positive lens to view out-of-control sexual behaviors or compulsive sexual behaviors, has shown with research to be effective when using cognitive-behavioral therapy and/or pharmacological treatments (medications) that may help individuals with obsessive-compulsive-like sexual expression. Basically, the model views sex as an integrated part of the human experience and acknowledges that a person is a sexual being while working on the problem.

Do you think if we had early comprehensive sexual education in America and gained more knowledge about relationships, sexuality and the tools and skills to enjoy them, we as a society might be better equipped to mange our sexual lives? Just food for thought.

(Ah, I went nuts and overwrote. I think I drank too much coffee beforehand. Coffee addiction? Start up a coffee-addiction clinic? Nah, Starbucks would crush me.) 

Part 2: Why do rich and powerful men cheat?

All right, I went a little overboard on the last question, so lets lighten the mood. Why do these men of power and fame cheat? That’s the million-dollar question. Everyone has their opinion as to why the countless politicians, movie stars and people in power positions cheat. Are they sex addicts? Narcissists? Suffering from a personality disorder? Just plain careless? What you’ll find is each person does it for his own reasons, and everyone has different motives or roots for infidelity. Cheating does not equate with sex addiction. Depending on the study, approximately 20-50% of people reported cheating, and it’s foolish to think we live in a society where the majority of people are sex addicts. In addition, studies have shown that people’s personality-disorder traits impact their interpersonal relationships. That could explain some of the personality/narcissistic-based cheating. But can’t people cheat these days because they’re simply cocky, a liar or insecure? How did they cheat in the old days without all these postmodern terms, diagnoses and theories?

In the past, men cheated at higher rates than women. More recent research is showing us that women are catching up, to the point where the numbers are surprisingly similar. So why are there so many more cheating men in the news these days? First off, men aren’t as good as women at covering their tracks. Remember the time you left the porn magazine out or the porn movie in the VRC/DVD after you masturbated? Same idea. Men are less likely to pay attention to the minute details that get them caught, like sending nude photos from a personal Twitter account, the smell of another woman’s perfume on their clothes, or sexting. Sure, there are some meticulous men who are incredible at covering their tracks, but they’re in the minority.

Some psychologists will say many cheating men are looking to get caught, which may be true for some on a subliminal and unconscious level. Some men are simply over their relationship and don’t care to hide their infidelity and cheating. Others would rather get caught as a surefire way to end relationships, as they have trouble or guilt ending it otherwise, which I call breakup anxiety. Some cheat because of unhealthy relationship modeling they learned growing up from parents, family or friends, while others learned cheating through previous relationships that skewed their perspective on how to trust and behave. Some men feel entitled and make excuses to justify their cheating. Others allow the sense of power, conquest and entitlement to engulf them to where they place their needs above their partner's and the expectations of the relationship. Also, men typically aren’t the best communicators, and that contributes to relationship dissatisfaction. If a man has difficulty expressing his needs, desires or communicating what is bothering him, this can create distance with a relationship partner. It makes cheating or infidelity more of a possibility as he seeks out the needs and support he wants but can’t express. Research has also told us that a man in extreme positive or negative mood states is more likely to cheat (angry, sad, elated, manic, etc). Lastly, a new Indiana University study found that men were more likely to cheat for sexual excitation, leading to higher-risk sexual situations to combat arousal difficulties and performance anxiety with their partners. And you thought men were simple.

In addition, let's not forget the impact of the media and technology. Personally, I don’t think more men are cheating. Instead, more are getting caught with their hands in the cookie jar, which often includes some form of technology. Twitter, email, Facebook, texting, and paparazzi pics are a few examples. It’s tough to be famous and a cheater these days. Today, if you get caught cheating and you’re a public figure, by the end of the day, your story will be known worldwide and at the top of the news. The regular Joes may not have to worry about their cheating being blasted on TMZ, but there’s enough technology for anyone to get caught red-handed. 

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32 Arousing Facts About . . .

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Sex

During 30 minutes of active sex, the average person burns approximately 200 calories.e On average, adult men think about sex every seven seconds.e Having sex at least once per week can lower a man’s risk of heart disease by 30%, stroke by 50%, and diabetes by 40%. It has also been shown that men with an active sex life are more likely to live past 80 years.f The average size of an erect penis measures between 5 and 6 inches, while the average size of a flaccid penis is about 3.5 inches.e The sperm count of the average American male in 2008 was down nearly 30% from the sperm count of an average American male 30 years ago.h Viagra was released in 1998 with over $411 million in profits within its first three months Viagra, the well-known blue pill designed to help with erectile dysfunction, made $411 million in profits within the first three months of its release in 1998 before going on to make $1.8 billion in 2003.g Use of the condom was first noted in published literature in the early 1500s. The device was originally made of linen, and historians believe the legendary lover Casanova used linen condoms.a Historical records show that even in 1850 B.C., women attempted to practice birth control. The most common method was a mixture of crocodile dung and honey placed in the vagina in the hopes of preventing pregnancy.a Although nearly any body part or item of clothing may be an object of sexual fetishism, the shoe and the foot are the two most common fetishes in Western society.e Just a decade ago, only 25% of women reported experiencing orgasm as a result of intercourse. In recent years, this number has risen to about 45%. In contrast, over 80% of women report experiencing orgasm though oral sex.e The vibrator, a common sex toy for women, was originally designed in the nineteenth century as a medication to combat the anxiety-related symptoms of “hysteria” (now known as menstruation).a Homosexuality was listed as a mental illness with the American Psychiatric Association (APA) until 1973. It has since been removed and is now considered an orientation by the APA instead of an illness.h Throughout the United States, approximately 4% of the population self-identifies as gay, lesbian, or bisexual.h Approximately 1% of people worldwide identify as asexual (having no strong sexual attraction to either sex).b One in five Americans has been sexually involved with a coworker Statistics suggest that approximately one in every five Americans has indulged in sex with a colleague at work.e Approximately 70% of people in the U.S. admit to fantasizing about group sex at some point in their life, and more than 50% of those people actually follow through.e Nearly one in four Americans (65 millions people) are currently living with an incurable sexually transmitted disease (STD).i During 2007, more than 2.5 million people worldwide became infected with HIV, the virus that causes AIDS. With these new cases, there are now 33 million people living with AIDS throughout the world.i Since AIDS was first diagnosed in 1981, more than 25 million people have died as a result of the virus. Two million people died from AIDS in the year 2007 alone.i The average male produces several million new sperm daily. Conversely, a female is born with a finite amount of eggs and will produce no more than that throughout her lifetime.f Statistics show that approximately 90% of men and 65% of women masturbate from time to time.e Worldwide, 27.5% of women report that they felt pressured into having sex for the first time compared to 15% of men reporting the same feelings.c According to a 2007 worldwide sex survey, the average age when people first have sex is 19.25. The survey also found that people in Asian countries tended to lose their virginity at a much later age (an average of 22) than those in Western cultures (an average of 18).c The car is second only to the bedroom as a favorite place to have sex Outside of the bedroom, the most common place for adults in the U.S. to have sex is the car.c The average couple spends about 20 minutes engaged in sexual foreplay prior to intercourse.e Worldwide, sexually active adults report having sex an average of 103 times per year. This number is down from an average of 127 times per year in 2003.d One report states that 48% of women have faked an orgasm at least once in their life. Interestingly, an identical 48% of men also report faking an orgasm at least once.d Throughout the world, approximately 25% of people report having had only one sexual partner. Conversely, 21% of people report having more than 10 sexual partners in their lifetime.d One survey reports that 53% of sexually active Americans claim to have sex at least once weekly. However, only 48% of Americans report being satisfied with their sex life.c Many of the ingredients in chocolate are proven to cause arousal similar in effect to sexual foreplay. In fact, some experts believe chocolate may be even more effective than foreplay for sexual arousal.a Both men and women can be turned on by the aromas of wine. The scents of many wines are believed to replicate human pheromones, the chemical substances that cause behavioral responses in humans.a Endorphins released during sexual activity create a euphoria similar to that produced by opioid drug use. These same endorphins also act as extremely effective pain killers.f -- Posted January 10, 2009 References a Baker, JoAnn and Erica Orloff. 2001. Dirty Little Secrets: True Tales and Twisted Trivia about Sex. New York, NY: MacMillan Publishing Company, Inc. b Bogaert, Anthony F. 2004. “Asexuality: Prevalence and Associated Factors in a National Probability Sample.” The Journal of Sex Research, Vol. 41. c Durex. “The The Face of Global Sex 2007.“ Accessed: January 9, 2009. d Durex. “The Global Sex Survey 2005.“ Accessed: December 23, 2008. e Kanner, Bernice. 2005. Are You Normal About Sex, Love, and Relationships? La Vergne, TN: Lightning Source, Inc. f Keesling, Barbara. 2000. Rx Sex: Making Love Is the Best Medicine. Alameda, CA:Hunter House, Inc. g Kick, Russ, ed. 2006. Everything You Know about Sex Is Wrong: The Disinformation Guide to the Extremes of Human Sexuality (and Everything in between). New York, NY: The Disinformation Company Ltd. h Laumann, Edward O., John H. Gagnon, Robert T. Michael, and Stuart Michaels. 1995.Sex in America. New York, NY: Grand Central Publishing. i UNAIDS. “2008 Report on the Global AIDS Epidemic.” Accessed: December 28, 2008.